Parashat Toldot: Elder Alienation

Legal literature calls it “parental alienation” when a conflict between spouses leads one parent to turn the children against the other. Dr. Anat Lifshitz describes a related phenomenon in later life: an elderly parent is turned against one or more of their children. Typically, one adult child grows very close to the parent, sometimes to the point of dependence, then sets the parent against the siblings, occasionally cutting them off entirely. Dr. Lifshitz calls this “elder alienation.”

It usually has three features: a bitter conflict between the alienated child and the alienator, a special bond of trust between the parent and the alienator, and a marked change in the parent’s attitude toward the other children. A common result is a changed will that leaves everything to the manipulative child.

Such cases reach the courts. Grieving family members argue that the deceased was subject to undue influence and ask the court to set the will aside. They do not claim the parent lacked mental capacity. Rather, they argue that the parent’s true wishes were distorted by someone else’s emotional control. These cases are difficult to prove.

An ancient pattern

The most striking example of elder alienation in the Torah appears in this week’s parashah. The alienators know they cannot make the father stop loving his son, so they use other methods. The principle is the same: undue influence, even outright deception, to change the father’s will.

The Torah tells us that love in the home of Isaac and Rebecca was not shared equally: “Isaac favored Esau because he had a taste for game; but Rebecca favored Jacob” (Genesis 25:28). Years later, Isaac is old and blind, and he asks Esau to hunt game so he can eat and bless him. Esau sets out to fulfill the commandment to honor his parents, and the alienators, his mother and his brother, seize their opportunity.

The stolen blessing

Rebecca tells Jacob to bring her two young goats so she can prepare a tasty dish for Isaac. She dresses Jacob in Esau’s clothes and even covers “his hands and the hairless part of his

neck with the skins of the kids” so that if Isaac touches him, he will seem hairy like his brother. Jacob goes in to his father with the meal and begins to lie: “Jacob said to his father, ‘I am Esau, your first-born; I have done as you told me. Pray sit up and eat of my game, that you may give me your innermost blessing.’ Isaac said to his son, ‘How did you succeed so quickly, my son?’ And he said, ‘Because the Eternal your God granted me good fortune.’ Isaac said to Jacob, ‘Come closer that I may feel you, my son – whether you are really my son Esau or not.’ So Jacob drew close to his father Isaac, who felt him and wondered, ‘The voice is the voice of Jacob, yet the hands are the hands of Esau.’ He did not recognize him, because his hands were hairy like those of his brother Esau; and so he blessed him. He asked, ‘Are you really my son Esau?’ And when he said, ‘I am.’” (Genesis 27:19-24)

Isaac blesses Jacob, the equivalent of an inheritance in those days, believing he is blessing Esau. Today a court would consider proof of such a deception enough to invalidate the will. Back then, what was done could not be undone. Esau returns, discovers the deception, weeps, and plans to kill his brother once Isaac dies. When Rebecca learns of this, she manipulates Isaac once more, persuading him to send Jacob far away to find a wife.

A warning for our time

Elder abuse is one of the ugliest phenomena there is. It is common in Israel among certain businesses and swindlers, and it also occurs within families. Elder alienation threatens the fabric of our society. If we pay closer attention to its signs, and to elderly people at critical moments, we may prevent some cases and keep the vulnerable from being manipulated and exploited. May we succeed.

* In preparing this article, I drew on Dr. Anat Lifshitz’s article “Elder Alienation as Undue Influence” published in He’arat Din, the online law journal of the Faculty of Law at the University of Haifa, issue 14

Lior Tal Sadeh is an educator, writer, and author of “What Is Above, What Is Below” (Carmel, 2022). He hosts the daily “Source of Inspiration” podcast, produced by Beit Avi Chai.

For more insights into Parashat Toldot, listen to “Source of Inspiration” (in Hebrew).

Translation of most Hebrew texts sourced from Sefaria.org

Main Photo: Esau sells his birthright to Jacob or The lentil dish\ Wikipedia